Thursday, January 01, 2009

2009 kaya natin yan..
sabi nung theme ng abscbn for the newyear sa bandila.. looking back sa mga nangyari sakin nung 2008 parang dinaanan ko lang yung ngayong taon.. NOT. it's been the hardest for me.. due to complications i made.. nakakaumay na sigurong sabihin na acads babae lovelife ang problema ko lagi na di ko naman dapat pinroproblema pero dahil kasama ako sa mga kabataang papunta na sa kanila pagtanda siguro i need to encounter this sort of problems to prepare me para sa mga higher levels ng kahirapan sa buhay.. ny kahirapan.. doesn't mean tungkol sa pera.. tungkol sa kakulangan sa pagkain or materyal na bagay kundi sa mga life situations mismo tulad ng pagaasawa at pagtataguyod ng pamilya.. naks.. pamilya..

so the real problem is.. i tend to make immature decisions.. decisions na singbabaw ng pagpili kung ang hotdogsandwich mo eh lalagyan ng mayo at catsup (well yung sakin laging plain yan.. i hate messy handheld foods!) o kaya naman kung magbabayad ka ba sa jeep at sasabihin mong student ka o hindi dahil tinatamad kang sabihin pero gusto mong makamura ng pamasahe.. kasama na rito ang pagrely ko sa odd or even kung papasok ako o hindi pero pag lumabas ang papasok ako.. i choose not to.. i got kicked out of stat.. i forced myself to transfer to comsci kasi wala naman talaga akong choice.. yun ang malakas pumera.. yung ang pinakamabilis para makagraduate.. not to mention being alone na sobrang hirap pala.. it's funny kasi simula nung may muwang ako.. sabihin nating 6 yrs old - 15yrs old i was alone.. so now i'm 20 turning 21 sa feb.. 9 years akong walang gf.. 5 years meron.. kung tutuusin mas matagal akong walang kasama and it's a problem for me.. to be alone.. not texting anyone.. not giving my time to somebody.. now i have lots of free time i can spend on anything i want.. maglaro ng kung anoano.. stay sa bahay at magpakacouchpotato (couchpotato-ing is supposed to make you fat right? pero sakin di gumagana yan so wala talaga syang silbi sakin.. ) .. or better yet.. magaral.. now i have lots of time to study.. read up on lessons.. do homework.. and get good scores on my exams.. i don't see that happening soon.. this sadness it eats me from the inside.. and i thought i found god nung nagsimbanggabi ako kasi laging sakto sakin ang homily pag kelangan ko ng tulong.. 9 days i cried sa simbahan.. sa sobrang bigat ng pasan ko.. at times it disgusts me.. pero what can i do.. it makes me feel better and it beats drinking and smoking anytime.. para sakin ah.. there are other people who think otherwise..

so i start my year a mess.. trying to think of a way kung pano iaahon ang sarili ko sa kumunoy na akala ko swimming pool nung tumalon ako pero nilubog ako at di na ko makaalis.. wala akong kasama kundi sina manang.. i watched the fireworks outside with my dog.. i wore the color that the fengshui expert thought would be lucky for people born in the year of the dragon.. i switched on the lights.. opened the doors.. turned the volume of the computer to maximum.. shook my alkansya.. and brought out the leftover food from dinner.. lahat ng pampaswerteng naaalala ko.. sinubukan ko.. then i realized.. i was wrong.. i didn't start my year a mess.. i started my year with hope.. of a better year.. of a better me.

marnii [12:15 AM]

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